I remember the first time a friend took advantage of me. We were sitting in the theater, around age nine, and I had a box of Junior Mints. Because of the noise involved in opening and dumping the candy out, I had most of the box contents poured out onto my palm. As I sat there, I realized my friend might want one. She didn\u2019t bring any money to the show, so I whispered, \u201cHey, do you want some?\u201d I held my hand out, piled high with the little brown orbs of peppermint yumminess.<\/p>\n
I thought she\u2019d take a few and be thankful. She proceeded to scoop them off of my hand and into both of hers.<\/p>\n
I was surprised. Shocked. Confused. Angry. I couldn\u2019t believe she had done that. I wanted to say, \u201cHEY. I meant a few of them! What\u2019s wrong with you?\u201d But I said nothing, because I was afraid I would upset her. And I didn\u2019t have any experience with exercising my voice \u2013 I thought the only option I had was voicing my anger, which seemed mean, so I kept my mouth shut.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t realize at the time that I neither had a boundary of what she could take from me, nor had I communicated it to her. I was also missing a healthy way of dealing with her behavior.<\/p>\n
I spent the rest of the movie feeling sad about my three leftover pieces in the box, and lied to myself that it was all fine. I knew something was wrong, but didn\u2019t know what.<\/p>\n
I know now what my negative feelings were that day \u2013 they were caused by a combination of being taken advantage of by another, and failing to speak the truth.<\/p>\n
Feeling taken advantage of hurts because of two reasons:<\/p>\n
The residue of inaction damages our self-esteem. It\u2019s important that we deal with these little situations as they occur \u2013 but do so in a way that doesn\u2019t trample on the esteem of another person.<\/p>\n
Many wives often feel as though they are taken advantage of by their husbands. They feel as though they are carrying the weight of the housework, the relationships, the kids\u2019 activities, etc. They also may be working part-time or full-time and are physically exhausted. What\u2019s interesting is that many men also feel the same way \u2013 burdened by providing for their families, responsible for the more strenuous and physical home care items, and then expected to participate in relationships at a level that often frustrates and confuses them. All too often, conflict ensues between husband and wife, voices raise, and unhealthy and even damaging behaviors start spilling out onto the family landscape as a result of stress and lack of self-control.<\/p>\n
What we don\u2019t easily acknowledge is that far too often, the behaviors of either spouse can fall into the categories of verbal or emotional abuse<\/em> \u2013 even if neither spouse intends to do the other harm<\/em>. Repeats of these behaviors often cause the damage that occurs in abusive relationships \u2013 regardless of the intent of either spouse.<\/em><\/p>\n There\u2019s a trend in our culture to label everything \u2013 and to espouse answers from positions of the extremes.\u00a0 If you are in a marriage where you have some of the signs but know your spouse doesn\u2019t intend<\/em> to hurt or dominate you, some healthy changes and awareness can help a lot.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to suggest today that we fear GOD, instead of fearing our spouse. It is the beginning of wisdom, and it is Biblical. We know He hates divorce, so we should keep that in mind as we deal with these issues. Check the following \u201csigns\u201d below \u2013 if you have those in addition to fear, if there is a sense of \u201cwalking on eggshells\u201d in your relationship, keep reading to learn how you can help your marriage heal.<\/p>\n Sign #1 \u2013<\/p>\n If you have emotional control, you go to her and say something like, \u201cI know you love me, and I know you didn\u2019t mean to, but when you did \u2018A\u2019 it made me feel \u2018B\u2019 and I\u2019m really struggling with what to do about that,\u201d and she responds by discounting your feelings, arguing with you, defending what she did, minimizing or mocking you.\u00a0 If she turns the discussion into how you\u2019ve hurt her and suddenly you\u2019re the one apologizing, and this is how it goes most of the time when you bring up an issue, then guess what? You have some REALLY unhealthy stuff going on \u2013 things that can damage a person\u2019s soul, things that are labeled in the culture as \u201cabusive.\u201d<\/p>\n Sign #2 \u2013<\/p>\n If you are excited about something good that happens to you, or you have an interest that feeds your soul and you are met with degrading, mocking, put downs, name-calling, or other remarks that make the clear point that there\u2019s something wrong with you, what you like, or the success that you achieved \u2013 this is also unhealthy and harming to a person. Ideally, BOTH spouses should be enthusiastic and supportive of the other \u2013 regardless of how different or similar to the other they are.<\/p>\n Sign #3 \u2013<\/p>\n When you are sad, sick, discouraged, etc., and you are demeaned or dismissed instead of being helped or treated kindly.\u00a0 When your spouse behaves in an unkind way toward you regardless of how you are feeling \u2013 the absence of kindness (If anyone knows the good he should do and does not do it, sins. \u00a0James 4:17) or the presence of general unkindness is also damaging.<\/p>\n Much information exists in the realm of psychology about how these behaviors (and many more) damage the esteem of another. Tons of research and writing has been done on outcomes of abuse and what happens to victims. So we know what damage occurs, and we know how to help both the abuser and the victim \u2013 BUT \u2013 there\u2019s a problem with the \u201clabeling\u201d of either.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em>The culture we live in recognizes \u201cabusers\u201d as people of heinous motives.<\/em> The signs above assume he or she is trying<\/em> to control, trying<\/em> to coerce, trying <\/em>to manipulate.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t believe the majority of Christian \u201cabusers\u201d are doing these things with the intention to harm their spouses.<\/p>\n This would never fly in a marriage, but how often have you seen men work out their issues with each other by physically going after each other in basketball, etc.? I don\u2019t get it, but it\u2019s a thing. They don\u2019t naturally do conflict the way we do. I\u2019m not excusing their behavior in marriage, nor am I intending to discount abuse victims (I\u2019ve been one, just so you know. This post barely skims the surface of the bullying of my school years, nor does it cover the rape\u2026) but I\u2019m asking us to be wise enough, afraid of God enough, to see the whole picture, not just see what things look like from only our own perspectives. To not label, which is a form of judgment. I think this is also mature, healthy behavior.<\/p>\n Esteem IS destroyed \u2013 as is the case in the traditionally labeled \u201cabuse\u201d case \u2013 and the behavior may be classified as \u201cabusive\u201d BUT \u2013 the motives of the abuser aren\u2019t evil, and too often, the \u201cvictim\u201d (and I\u2019m using quotes out of respect for those women (and men) who truly are victims, ones who are being beaten on a daily basis and those women who are raped in their homes, etc.) the \u201cvictim\u201d in these other situations is actually contributing to the high levels of conflict and abusive behavior by responding in kind, AND by lacking healthy boundaries.<\/p>\n In other words, if we will learn how to stop responding abusively back and consider that \u201csilence\u201d and \u201clack of affection\u201d \u2013 natural responses to being screamed at \u2013 are also listed as abusive behaviors, and set healthy boundaries for ourselves, not as a parental and punitive response to our spouses, if we\u2019ll do those things, we can change our marriages. I know this to be true.<\/p>\n Want more proof?<\/p>\n I personally know women who have been in these situations, some which classify as legitimate abuse, including some with husbands whose motives were even questionable \u2013 and they\u2019ve overcome these situations and God has healed them and their marriages!<\/p>\n The other thing we need to remember is that Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s research in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages <\/em>shows that \u201cthinking the best\u201d and \u201cgiving the benefit of the doubt\u201d are MAJORLY important.<\/p>\n So know this: if you label your spouse as an \u201cabuser\u201d and yourself as the \u201cvictim\u201d you are adding an element of toxicity to your marriage that will infect it like a plague. Seriously. There are a number of ministries and authors who work to help women (and men) who recognize that their spouse is treating them in abusive ways \u2013 here\u2019s the problem \u2013 I\u2019ve talked to many of these authors and some of the ministry folks\u2026 and their success rate for restoring the marriages is very low. Less than 5% of the marriages are healed. Most end in divorce.<\/p>\n What we are suggesting instead, is an approach that combines Biblical truth of not accepting abusive behavior, protecting yourself and your kids, but also heals your marriage. It is not easy, but neither is the path walked by ascribing intent to your spouse and labeling him an abuser, which often results in divorce.<\/p>\n The choices become fairly clear when we look at things this way.\u00a0 We can:<\/p>\n I\u2019m suggesting #\u2019s 2 and 3.<\/p>\n Most of the men I talk to who have hurt their wives have done so unintentionally, however, if your spouse DOES intend to hurt you, control you, destroy you, then you are dealing with something completely different and you require the help of a licensed psychologist, preferably a Christian. Even with that, some of the second and especially the third options above will still help a lot.<\/p>\n What I\u2019m saying is there\u2019s actually something we can DO about unhealthy behaviors \u2013 including the ones from others that result in a destruction of our esteem.<\/p>\n Interactions with our spouse may leave you feeling worthless, suicidal, damaged \u2013 BUT he or she may or may not be intentionally \u201cabusing you.\u201d If your spouse claims to be a Christian, Matthew 18 is there to help \u2013 although most people will not do the hard work of walking through it, or do so with someone who is ill-equipped to help.<\/p>\n What solves these problems in marriage is both spouses establishing healthy boundaries, while treating themselves and their husband or wife with love and respect. When both of you get on the same side of the fence to protect the marriage, you can work in the same direction. Labeling your spouse an \u201cabuser,\u201d even if his or her behaviors fit in that category, do not help the marriage. Dealing with your own mental health to heal from these behaviors by joining Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, or our Strength & Dignity eCourse (for women) will help you find healing.<\/p>\n I started our free Strength & Dignity eCourse to deal with these issues in a meaningful and life-changing way.\u00a0 I see too many families being destroyed by good people who mean well who are missing some healthy alternatives to interaction AND are being coached in all the defensive ways to deal with being \u201cabused\u201d or \u201cget control\u201d of their families.\u00a0 These tactics \u201cwork\u201d by getting the women to safety, BUT \u2013 the marriage is destroyed. I want better options than that for us all.<\/p>\n May we all love and respect better today.<\/p>\n Nina Roesner is the author of The Respect Dare: 40 Days to a deeper connection with God & your husband (Thomas Nelson, 2012)<\/em>, and leads the free Strength & Dignity eCourse for wives who are suffering in verbally and emotionally difficult marriages. You can read more of her work at www.NinaRoesner.com<\/a> .<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I remember the first time a friend took advantage of me. We were sitting in the theater, around age nine, and I had a box of Junior Mints. Because of the noise involved in opening and dumping the candy out, I had most of the box contents poured out onto my palm. As I sat … <\/p>\n\n